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    I dreamt that I was dying. Short of breath, the steps of my feet slowed down and I collapsed. My world receeded to a blank space.

    I woke up to find myself lying on a hospital bed. At this moment, I was not able to comprehend my situation. I inspected my surroundings .. there were some people around me, to which I unloaded questions about my condition. I found out that I was dying. My heart had been taken out [ literally ]. Heart failure. How unexpected. Why am I still breathing, able to look around, and be animated? Am I being controlled by some sort of conscious life support machine that keeps consciousness? I realize, I am just alive. Somehow.

    Found myself returning to my life, with the knowledge of my numbered days. I met friends, family who were concerned for me. A deep sense of sadness and regret filled my heart. One night, Ps. Julie comforted me and spoke to me about the wonders of heaven, how it would be like up there. She then left me, and I was seated, thinking of what’s to come and what’s going to be left behind.

If there were ever one day that I was rebellious towards ministry, it was yesterday. For those of you who cannot conceive the idea of me skipping Cell, or CF… try *NOT* to read on.

    I had thoughts of … just not showing up. I mean, I see it happening all TOO often, and it’s just so trivial of people to just NOT show up. Excuses such as,"Oh, I’ve got exams", "Oh, I’ve got a birthday party to attend", or "I’m tired from classes. Need to rest", and even "I don’t feel like coming, cause I have assignments to finish up" pop up ever so casually. The classic,"I don’t know" or "I’m not ready to deal with this issue in my life, so I can’t lead this cell discussion" excuse when asked to do something. I was [ I still am ] just so sick and tired of being on the receiving end of these excuses, that I thought to myself and out loud to AndrewAu,"What if I just DIDN’T bother?" Imagine along the lines of skipping cell for a movie, or run late cause I needed to have my dinner. I’m not saying that I am indispensible in Cell, but it sure does seem that way right now.

    I get the feeling that everyone’s waiting for me to take charge, to lead, to carry the cell but that’s not right. As far as I am the cell leader, it doesn’t mean that I am the only one leading the cell. I’ve made it clear many times that each of the interns have to take ownership of the cell and lead whenever called to. Over the years, I realize that being a leader, or serving God *DOES NOT* come with a job description! HELLO! You do whatever God has placed in front of you. If it comes to … picking rubbish and preparing rubbish plastic for a wedding, or moving tables and chairs, praying for the sick, praying for the healthy, playing guitar, driving from one end of KL to the other end of Subang for someone in need, giving away money so that people may be blessed or helping with a car that’s broken down, even though you have no idea how to fix it..  whatever comes, so be IT! That’s ministry. REALITY CHECK!!

   Of course, my accountability to the leaders above me is still there. Have been speaking to my zone supervisor regarding this matter and yeah, it’s being dealt with. My convictions make are correct, but the situation right now doesn’t make any sense right now. I’m staying in Cheras, but I have a cell in Subang. I reach out to Sedaya students, and the people around me and I … what … ship them down to Subang EVERY FRIDAY? Tell me. TELL ME! Anyhow, I’ll just wait and see.

    On the other hand, I’m glad that the CF isn’t of such dependance upon me much theseadays. I still worry though, that the other committee members would think that I am not willing to help out. My subtle withdrawal isn’t due to the fact that I DON’T want to help, but it’s because I know my domineering  and strict nature regarding ministry that might affect how others serve God. It’s a long and complicated story, but I’m just gonna leave it as it is here.

    Ministry’s really tough. Serving God is tough. He never said it’s gonna be easy. *as I wrote that sentence, I remember a song by Jinny Owens; If You want me to. Some may have noticed the warning flag on my MSN nick, which read,"Don’t anyone DARE take me for granted." Now you more or less know why. Not that everyone around me takes me for granted, but maybe it’s the lack of appreciation. Yeah. Maybe it’s that. Anyhow, I don’t thrive on appreciation but a little of it does help so much more.

David[hmm] 

The biggest surprise this month, maybe this year happened on Wednesday night. I met someone who knows me from my childhood. Well, we kinda "met". Spoke to her over MSN after leaving my mail at her blog. If some of you follow the comments that were posted, then you’d know that she knew me from Bentong, and that she found me over the WWW through Google.

    We talked for a bit, and for every inch of that bit .. I felt as though I was constantly swept off by waves of information/details that she spoke about MY OWN life that I don’t even remember. Certain words did incite bits of memories, flashes of images, and feelings.. such as "Yesus Pokok dan kita cabangNya", ninja turtles [ but it was kinda vague ], and clowns, among others. At one point, I was overwhelmed to the point where I was just lost for words, and my mind drifted to other memories of my childhood, feelings that I have never been able to remember. I know that I sound like I’ve got permanent amnesia or something.. but hmm.. it’s a little like that.

   The whole conversation was almost 90% me, and 10 percent of how I couldn’t remember her. :/ *hmm. Haha. I’m sorry. I can’t even remember myself, whatmore, other people! I know. Not an excuse, but she understood. [ Did you? EHhe. ] She’s still in Europe, but will be back for a break in a week’s time I think. Told her that we so have to meet up. Looked at her pictures, and I have to confess.. she doesn’t look familliar at all. Oh how we’ve grown.

   Oh, OH.. the ultimate revelation! We were in the same Christian camp! GOSH! I almost [figuratively] fell off my chair. YouthQuake3. Yup. What are the odds. Oh, OH! Something to get back at her. She said I looked familliar, but never did ask/approach me. Apa nii.. I’d go up to anyone or smile at anyone who I think looks familliar to me, even though I have gotten many weird looking facial-expression-replies and mistaken people many times! Ehehe… Aiyah, but I’m a guy. Hmm..

   Anyhow, I thank God that our paths crossed and I’m looking forward to meeting up with her when she gets back. I will try and make a trip back to Bentong, one of these weekends/weekdays. Makes it so much more fun than meeting up in KL. I need a break too. *sigh. For those who understand, sigh with me, come on. 1… 2… 3… *sigh

    I thank God for bringing me through this week. It’s been crazy. But His assurance to me is that He’ll never leave me, nor forsake me. Thank You Lord.

David