Beneath my feet, I feel the parquet floor. My ankles, knees feel worn out from all the standing and bobbing. I turn my eyes to my bed, and my unfolded clothes make up some sort of a horizontal mural with my bedsheet as its canvas. My eyes strain as I tried to tell time from my digital clock. Contact lenses in my eyes feels like they’ve been glued on for the past 6 hours.
I sit at my table, hang my head low and think. My head tries to reason why I am the way I am. Why I think the things that I think, feel the way I feel. The wires in my head sure feels messed.
Like my clothes, on my bed.
A flashback comes to me. “The condition of my room is a good representation of the condition of my life at that moment.” Exact words.
I think to myself. If I clean up my room, will my life be as clean? I sure do hope it’s that easy. But who am I kidding.
Voices of the people who tell me that I am too hard on myself ring in my mind, almost as though they’re solid blocks of characters floating through space in the hollow head of mine. I fight it with reasons so many I confuse myself. Where’s the line you draw to tell apart when you are striving for excellence, or just plain slavedriving my own sorry ass to the ground?
Maybe I was never built to know how far the line is. I still don’t get it.
Placing such expectations on myself, and being blamed for imposing expectations on others is also another issue I can never find resolve. I mean, if there’s no expectation .. there’s no level of excellence. If you don’t have the power to drive yourself, other people will drive you .. either to breakthrough the ceiling that you’ve been hitting, or unfortunately for some .. up the wall. And please allow them. It’ll do you good.
If I see it from the other side of the door, when there’s no expectation, it means that the person is of no use. Nada. I wouldn’t wanna be on this side of the door.
I look at the time, and I think about how good my sleep will be after this. A draining night, is always followed by a good sleep.
Good night, world. Sleep tight. Don’t let the sun burn you. Or internally combust.
David[hmm]
sounds like you’re in need of some “time-out” :mrgreen:
relax David :smile: it’s good to have expectation of ourselves, just don’t make that the ultimate one. Our master is God, not ourselves. So, we should strive to please Him ;)